Relationships are fundamental to the human experience. They are intrinsic to how we define ourselves and relate to the world. They help form our values, morals, and beliefs. They protect us from danger and provide for us in times of need. They form the basis for our culture, shaping how we communicate and relate to others.
People pop in and out of lives like characters in a play. All characters play a role, but only a handful play a lead role in our lives. While some of these leading characters can play the role of the wise mentor, the nurturer, and the hero, they can also play the villain, the terrorist, and the monster.
When those lead characters are present for us when we need them most, set healthy boundaries, or give us encouragement and support when we’re struggling, we learn how to trust other people and learn what it means to be in relationship with others. But when those lead characters harm or abuse us, are never consistent with their promises, or shame and humiliate us when we do something wrong, we come to believe the world isn’t safe and that we aren’t okay in it.
And because all trauma is relational in nature, the effects often bleed into many of our current and future relationships.
RELATIONSHIPS: THE THEATER WHERE WE RE-ENACT OUR PAST TRAUMAS
Relationships are the theater, the arena where people who have experienced trauma often reenact traumatic memories with the hope it will be resolved through the relationship.
While our brain and mind are super evolved and quite amazing things to behold, neither can actually differentiate between something that has happened to us in the past and something that is happening right here right now. We also have the tendency to transpose past memories to create our present and future stories (e.g. “he’s going to end up leaving me sooner or later” or “I don’t deserve a loving relationship”), which often consumes us with anticipatory anxiety and worry as we attempt to make uncertainty predictable.
Each memory often has a wide-variety of different triggers – external or internal stimuli that elicit a memory-specific trauma response. Whenever a traumatic memory is triggered, all of the associated thoughts, feelings, and self-beliefs burst out uncontrollably. This causes us to react in self-destructive ways as a desperate attempt to gain resolution to the trauma. However, people often become stuck in a repeating loop, just like a broken record, repeating the same trauma patterns over and over again.
Maybe we start fights or arguments for seemingly insignificant reasons because that was the only way our parents would pay attention to us. Maybe we say really hurtful things (the one’s you can’t take back) when we feel threatened by what someone says or does. Maybe we sabotage our own successes or the successes of others because we believe we’re not deserving of good things. Maybe we become codependent on someone else in order to avoid being rejected or abandoned by someone we care about. Maybe we shut down and become “cold” to others when we are feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Maybe we become aggressive and hostile to avoid that paralyzing feeling helpless and powerless again. Maybe we have difficulties with sexual intimacy because we were sexually abused or humiliated by someone else.
We re-enact traumatic experiences over and over again in different relationships as an attempt to solve something we still feel fragmented about. We place an unfair burden on our spouses, children, coworkers, and friends by expecting them to resolve our trauma for us; to be the nurturer or protector we never had when we were traumatized.
Empowering Ourselves & Changing Our Story
We begin to open ourselves to the process towards reclaiming our personal power to change our trauma story when we acknowledge what happened to us happened; what happened matter; and what happened impacted us.
Trauma therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) gives us the tools to alleviate negative symptoms and emotional distress resulting from traumatic experiences, clearing the blocks and imbalances that are causing us pain and suffering, decrease compulsions to engage in self-destructive behaviors, and allows us to put the ghosts of our past to rest in peace.
While none of us have a time machine to literally change the past, we are able to shift our perspective of what happened. As trauma is desensitized and integrated, our story begins to change. We begin to see ourselves and what happened to us in a different light. For instance, a rape victim shifts from feeling horror and disgust to holding the firm belief that “I survived it and I am stronger now”.
And as our trauma story begins to change, we become more aware of our capacity to CHOOSE how we respond in any given situation. We don’t feel the compulsion to react in the self-defeating ways that we once did to cope with any upsetting thoughts or feelings. We open our capacity to navigate difficult and challenging situations in ways that best serve ourselves and others. We give ourselves a authentic voice express our wants, needs, and desires to others, and don’t feel ashamed or angry when others say “no”.
In the end, we give ourselves permission to be genuinely loved and to love others. And through this process we are able to cultivate meaningful relationships with people who inspire us, support us, and encourage us throughout our lifetime.
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If you are tired of acting out your traumas with others, are ready to start a new chapter in your life journey, and want to create more satisfying and fulfilling relationships, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation to learn how EMDR therapy can help transform your life and your relationships or request an appointment below.
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