I am still astounded by what I don’t know, and I am continually amazed by how much I can still learn about this strange and mysterious thing called the “Human Experience”.
For the longest time, I felt as if I was sleep walking through life. My body was moving, but there’s no one driving the car, and I had no particular place to go.
I continued acting in ways that were self-defeating, naturally expecting a different result each time, then become frustrated and confused when I didn’t get the results I wanted. I would thoughtlessly say hurtful things to people I care about, then feel perplexed as to why they didn’t want to hang out with me as much. I felt constantly anxious, always making assumptions and worrying about worst possible outcomes, which led me to become indecisive and impulsive in my decision making. I endlessly criticized and judged myself for not being “good enough”, hoping that if I beat myself up JUST enough, I would finally get the life I wanted. I ran countless circles chasing things I didn’t want, while rejecting things I genuinely desired.
Meditation and mindfulness helped awaken me from the deep, unconscious sleep was didn’t even know I was in; however, the journey wasn’t so willing on my part, as I found myself in certain circumstances where avoidance wasn’t an option.
I truly had no idea what I was getting myself into when I admitted into Naropa University’s graduate school of Transpersonal Counseling Psychology in 2011 to train as a Master’s level therapist. The experience was intense and transformational to say the least.
Naropa’s fundamental teachings are rooted in a variety of Buddhist philosophies, all which explored the complex and dynamic ways we all relate to ourselves and the world. My teachers emphasized that when we are mindful, engaged, and authentic with ourselves and others, we are able to create the space necessary to treat the whole person and make a meaningful impact as professional clinicians. So, before I could genuinely help others be more mindful and heal, I had to first be more mindful and do some inner work myself.
Sticking with its Buddhist heritage, meditation and mindfulness were standard practices for facilitating our personal and professional growth; and avoiding them wasn’t much of an option. Seriously, if we didn’t engage in practice, read the hundreds of pages our teachers required, and participate in group experientials there was no way to successfully pass the class or graduate. And it’s quite embarrassing being the person who is called out in front of all their peers by the teacher for not doing their homework.
So, there I was… sitting on the cushion at 8:00am… feeling anxious about what to expect… mind wandering all over the place… always wondering how many minutes were left on the timer…
My introduction into meditation and mindfulness practice was rough to say the least. In the moment, I thought it was all a bunch of woo woo, hocus pocus bulls*it people did to pretend they were “spiritual”. I didn’t feel any more “enlightened” after each practice as I came to expect. I constantly criticized how pointless this was in my training as a professional counselor. I made up any excuse NOT to practice meditation at home and pretend as if I did when in class. But gradually, I started noticing how I was struggling with some of the assignments and lagging behind many of my peers.
Ironically, the challenges and discomfort I was presently experiencing was exactly what I needed to learn, and meditation was my teacher who wasn’t going to let me off the hook so easily.
Once I decided to make a change by taking meditation more seriously, I started observing things about myself that I never noticed before. And wow, they weren’t kind things to see.
The first thing I started recognizing is how harsh and judgmental I can be, especially towards my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. I caught glimpses of how I attached my self-identity and self-worth to emotions, memories, people, and ideas. I began noticing what would trigger feelings of insecurity, anger, hurt, and shame. I observed ways I would disengage from my body when I felt unsafe, and just how disconnected from my body I truly was. I could clearly see how these dynamics were interweaved throughout all of my relationships, influenced my choices, and were the inner barriers to my personal growth.
I started to understand how many of these things have been with me since my childhood… and how many of them were formed through some adverse childhood experiences I had. I just never paid much attention to them before and was clueless to their significance in my life.
So down the rabbit hole I continued to go, clueless to where this journey into mindful self-exploration would take me and how deep the rabbit hole really was.
With continued practice and extremely supportive guidance from my teachers, I became more capable of tolerating discomfort while still maintaining presence; or what we would call “sitting in the fire” of uncomfortable emotions. I started to feel more attuned and connected to my body, learning to listen to my body more and ways I can better care for it. I gained greater self-confidence to be seen and heard, rather than shying away out of a fear of being rejected or feeling ashamed. And the more aware I became of these complex dynamics within myself, the more I attuned I was of these dynamics in others.
But, the most transformational aspect I gained from practicing mindfulness meditation was a cracking open of my heart to experience genuine compassion for the suffering all things past, present, and future. While this only happened a handful of times, they were the most powerful experiences of my entire educational journey.
Now, I’m not talking about some woo woo “just love yourself” type of self-compassion you find floating on Pinterest that people often use for self-pity and avoid meaningfully addressing personal issues that are negatively affecting their lives. I’m talking about experiencing real, genuine, heartfelt compassion radiating throughout my entire body. And honestly, there were some moments where it became really intense and uncomfortable actually allowing compassion into my heart.
So, how did meditation and mindfulness practice forever transform my life? It changed my perspective of so many things in ways I could have never imagined possible.
Life really can pass you in the blink of an eye if you’re not paying attention… especially to the smallest things that make the BIGGEST differences.
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WholeHearted Therapy too believes forming a mindful and healthy relationship with one’s self is the first step in anyone’s recovery journey. If you are ready and willing to expand your self-awareness and understand yourself on a deeper level, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation by phone or email, or you may request an appointment below.
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